Upping The Ante On Nasty (a review of DRACULAS)

In the beginning, Joe wrote these words (among others)

"…And it's going to freak you out.

If you're easily disturbed, have a weak stomach, or are prone to nightmares, stop reading right now. There are no sexy teen heartthrobs herein.

You have been warned…."

I do have a weak stomach, I am prone to nightmares, and I don't enjoy fainting. But I also have a strong contrarian streak, so when Joe Konrath warns me that I'm probably not going to want to look at his collaborative effort with Jeff Stand, Blake Crouch, and F. Paul Wilson, curiosity will impel me to look.

But, I started cautiously at the back. Worth the entire $2.99 by themselves are the bonus stories, one of which begins with the awesome line, " The hardest thing about killing a hitchhiker is finding one to pick up."

"DRACULAS"is worth its weight in gold for the bonus material alone.

Curiosity, killed cats, and other red herrings aside there's another reason to devour every bit of this exceptionally well-written, highly entertaining and disturbing book. Joe Konrath hangs ten on the crest of the most powerful waves and this book could be the way authors write faster, add extra value and thrive.

Here's how. Four first rate spec fic and occasionally hilarious authors put their heads together to horrific effect. Each chose their own hero/victim/evil-doer from a cast of characters, and each dashed off a parallel novella of approximately 20,000 words, then they sliced and diced and cobbled each author's bits together into the literary equivalent of a Frankenstein's monster. Only, it's Freddy on steroids. It gives a whole new dimension to sucking face, and not a nice one.

The dedication --"For Bram Stoker, with deepest apologies"-- is a perfect foretaste of what to expect from "DRACULAS". Irreverence. Dark humor that is so wry, it's twisted. Offensive stuff, and indeed there is a scene involving bowels and a clown who likes to make rather different balloon animals…. Lots of "wet work", and they maybe ought to have offered apologies of some depth to Clint Eastwood, too!

The prologue (not that they call it that) contains the mother of all hooks. Erroneously, I imagined the conversation those 4 bad boys of grim might have had, before I looked at Joe's generous back matter, and learned how it really was.

"Let's dig up a head."

"Let's make it really old…"

"And evil. It must be evil."

"Let's attach something nasty to it. What?"

"A curse."

"Wicked teeth."

"Maybe we make those teeth like… like Sleeping Beauty's spindle."

"Dracula's deadly prick…"

"We need sex…"

"You can't have sex with a severed head…"

"Oh, yes you can!"

"Look, we'll call the person who gets hold of the head More Cock."

"And we'll give him an incurable disease."

The foregoing is my imagination. This conversation did not happen… but the gentle reader should remember that Joe Konrath aka Jack Kilborn once wrote a Christmas story about an amnesiac werewolf who discovered that his midnight snacking habit was abnormal after he noticed buttons and coins in his poop.

Yes, there is poop humor in "DRACULAS" in the bonus matter. There's "crazy poop bags" and "werewolf poop", so if scattered references to poop offends you, beware. Moreover, there are 30 occurrences of "crap", and as for the "F-bomb"… it is dropped 114 times (-36 not in story). Oh, the joys of a search function in an e-book! I recommend using it. There's "blood" on virtually every page: 382 mentions.

Their "Draculas" have the compassion of hornets, the dentition of sharks, the voracious appetites of shrews and no respect for garlic whatsoever. If you can contemplate a rabid, blood thirsty Edward Scissorteeth in a maternity or pediatric ward, using a severed artery as a drinking straw, or lashing out among the blind… go for it, but with your eyes open.

Do not necessarily trust the reviews, and do not pay $2.99 merely to find out what's in "DRACULAS". There's more than enough in the free sample chapters to give you an accurate idea what to expect.

Know before you buy that you're going to be ambushed by some of the grossest, sickest, most disturbed, politically incorrect and indiscriminate bloodlusty slash fest that four insensitive guys can think up.

Disclaimer. This is an author review. 4-stars is as low as I go. Five Stars!

Did I promise to blog about hernias? Oh my!

Once upon a wartime, an army had a problem. Their soldiers were getting hernias... which I suppose is not too surprising considering the amount of heavy kit that soldiers have to carry around, not to mention the heavy lifting, the stretching, the yomping.

This story, however, is not about the Falklands war.

The army wanted its fighting men to get back into good shape as soon as possible, with the most reliable prognosis. (In those days, women didn't do battle.) Research was done, and... to cut a long and painful story short... the Shouldice method was perfected.

You may have noticed that this blog is personal, and not about the Craft of Writing at all. Nevertheless, (as Malcolm Muggeridge used to say on Mastermind) "I've started, so I will finish."

The Shouldice method does not darn or patch. It uses no mesh, just fine, cold, steel wire to stitch together layers of muscle and tissue. We're told that all that stitching will not beep in airports or in popular chain stores. We'll see.

The Shouldice Hospital does hernias and nothing else. It seems to do a roaring trade. I'm not sure I ought to say that! Every day, thirty people with hernias are admitted (after sanitizing their hands thoroughly before being allowed to enter the building, and then being interviewed, inspected by an admitting doctor, and thoroughly tested to make sure that a hernia is their only health issue.)

Hernias come from all over the world, not necessarily for their first repair, but almost always for the last repair for that particular weak area. For one hernia, it's four nights in the Shouldice, for two or more, it's six nights (they like patients to have a good day's break between surgeries).

Admission is between ten thirty and noon, and a patient's driver must stay... in case the patient isn't healthy enough for surgery (I assume). Then, they go to the room they share with one other patient. I infer that older patients get the bed nearer the en suite bathroom, so they don't have so far to go in the night.

Meals are served (by waitresses) in the dining room in the walk-out basement, except for on surgery day, when the patients are brought a tray in their rooms.

There's pool (the game), mini golf, an unremarkable pond in the grounds, artificial waterfalls in the gently rolling landscape, shuffle board (tremendous fun!), a wi fi hot spot, tables with magazines, cards, etc in the spacious and luxuriously appointed common rooms, also tv in the common rooms, lots of phones (but not in the room...) Every effort is made --almost every incentive given-- to encourage patients to walk, move, climb stairs, sit on chairs and benches of different elevations and degrees of softness.

It's really like a country club!





The last meal is around six at night. Those who are going to surgery early the next morning have to shower the night before. (The showers at Shouldice are not well-conceived and it is all too easy to flash or moon a surprised visitor emerging from an elevator. Use of the elevators is not encouraged.) They are given a sleeping pill, which generally does not work terribly well because almost everyone is nervous. At least the patients are all going through the same thing!

Nevertheless, they say that every hernia surgery experience is a bit different. Not every gentleman will discover that he has post operative rings of colour (like a coral snake) in parts adjacent to the operative area.

Soon after five am, the fasting first batch are shaved for surgery (with ruthless efficiency). Then they go down... in the elevator. (Wearing surgery outfits). There are five operating theatres, so presumably, six batches of five patients pass through each day. They are not permitted to take false teeth, glasses, or other accoutrements, so younger patients have to help those with less good eyesight to find their beds (marked with name tags with names written small). It's a bit like musical chairs, except there is a bed for everyone. Then, after the patients are given a pill or a shot (according to their individual surgeon's preference) to relax the patient, each bed is wheeled off to a separate surgery.

For now, I will pass over the surgery.

Afterwards, the patients are returned sitting, in wheelchairs, are helped to change into their pajamas, and then sleep for at least four hours. They must remain recumbent for those four hours, and use a bedpan or bottle if necessary. After that, they may attempt to sit up, but must sit for twenty minutes before attempting to stand, and if dizzy must lie down for another hour before trying again.

Once awake, they are encouraged to drink lots of juice and water. Not only does this help to flush out the anaesthetic, and the vitamin C promotes healing, but it eventually provides an incentive to get up and talk ones first walk.

Tylenol is available. Moving does hurt (a lot), although it is going to hurt more on the following day when the anaesthetics have worn off. Patients spend the rest of the day easing themselves off their beds, and shuffling around the corridors and common areas. Visiting hours are 2pm to 4pm (great timing for helping with the first bottle, the first sips of juice, and the first sit-up) and from 7pm to 9pm.

That evening (the first after surgery), we sat at a dining-sized table, and played Pelmanism (or Concentration) to exercise the mind.

The third day (second after surgery) the patients are treated to gentle communal exercise classes at 11am, later half the clamps are removed from their incision, and they all compare notes. The fourth day (third after surgery) is much the same. The rest of the clamps are removed and patients and their visitors admire and feel the firm, banana-like shape of the swelling.

Discharge is early, between 9am and 10 am the following morning, after a doctor has visited, inspected, and answered any lingering questions. Patients may drive themselves home if they wish to do so and feel up to it. (Some choose longer routes on roads known to be free of pot holes.) Swelling and discomfort lessen over the next week, but will remain to some degree for a month or more.

Exactly the help I need. Penny Sansevieri's newsletter

From time to time, when I've nothing useful to communicate, I treat Penny Sansevieri as an impromptu guest blogger, with her permission.

Mind you, I cannot fathom why everyone doesn't already subscribe to Penny's free marketing newsletter. Click the live links to sign up. Look at the index, so see what you are missing if you don't! (I'm not sharing Penny's entire newsletter).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE BOOK MARKETING EXPERT NEWSLETTER!
A newsletter all about SUCCESSFUL publishing and POWERFUL promotion.
April 30, 2009 Issue #194
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
in this issue
-- Note From The Editor
-- Monetizing the Web
-- Is Anyone Listening? Eight Tips to Help you Market in the Age of New Media
-- Yankee Magazine
-- AME-University: Book Marketing, Publishing, and Internet Marketing classes
-- You've been Invited to the Social Media Party
-- Book Bits and Bites
-- The Duplicate Content Police are here!
-- Quick Tips for Media Success
-- Say Please, Say Thank you
-- Why You Should 'Share This'
-- Hear The Publishing Insiders
-- AME in the news
-- Why You Should Promote Your Book NOW
-- Join Penny at the Self Publishers Online Conference
-- Learn to Buzz Your Book!
-- Twitter Tip - TwiTip Graphics
-- Twitter Tip - Nearby Tweets
-- Reader Tip!
-- WHO ARE WE
-- ------------------------------------------------------------
Penny C. Sansevieri, Editor penny@amarketingexpert.com

By the way,
Follow Penny on Twitter: http://twitter.com/Bookgal.

While you are about it,
Follow Rowena on Twitter http://twitter.com/rowenacherry

Penny writes:

Monetizing the Web
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With all of the "stuff" out there online it's tough to know what will actually bring in the customers and the dollars, but here's a tip that's sure to work. First off, get your company/book/self a social networking page - either on Facebook or Squidoo, but I'd stick with Facebook and in a minute you'll see why. Next, make sure that your web site has a sign up on the home page for either a newsletter or mailing list.
Make sure you have an ethical bribe (a give away to get consumers to leave you their email addy so you can grow your list). Then, open a Twitter account. Your Twitter account should be used to share information, helpful tips, insider scoop and also link to sites, blogs, or audio online that would be helpful to your consumer. Become a filter, *the* place your consumer goes for everything on your topic or area of expertise. Once you open your Twitter account go to Socialtoo.com and get an account there, Socialtoo.com will allow you to set up a welcome message whenever someone "follows" you on Twitter.

Your welcome message should offer your freebie (ethical bribe) and redirect people to your site. This way, you'll get sign ups for your newsletter or mailing list. Now, to your Facebook page: You can and should add your Twitter account to your Facebook status updates (you can't do this through Squidoo or MySpace). That way you can share your tips with your Facebook fans, which will help you grow your fan base there too. Make sure you link your company's blog to Facebook and Twitter (you can do this through Twitterfeed) so that everything is recycled into these two services. By using both of these Web 2.0 properties and focusing your efforts heavily there, you can pull in customers to your site and business. Don't fragment yourself by getting a bunch of social networking sites. You need to spend time with these and if you can expand on just one site, it will serve you much better than having 30 sites you rarely touch.

If time is a constraint (and when isn't it?) you can use a site called Tweetlater to plan your tweets for the week, meaning that you log-on Monday and drop info into this system, it will then Twitter for you all week so you don't have to worry about it.

By keeping a circular "funnel" going you bring customers in at two of the biggest points of the web right now. These are huge properties online and when used effectively, can really help monetize the Internet for you. Remember though, be helpful first, sell later. The best metric for online selling is 95% helpful, and 5% sales. Believe it or not, this pays off big in the end.

When I did this we quadrupled our newsletter sign-ups and doubled the inquiries into our business.

Great advice. I'm no expert, and I haven't tried Tweet Later, but as a bumbling Twitter user, I find myself becoming annoyed by RT or ReTweets. If they weren't prominently marked as ReTweets, I wouldn't know the difference. But they are. I don't know about anyone else, but I want a genuine conversation, so if I see several RTs from the same person, it's either like someone who goes round a cocktail party telling the same joke, over and over... or it's like spam.

I unfollow boring ReTweeters. (Not Penny, of course!!!!)
What about you?

OK. Penny deals with another great issue here. Back to Penny's take.

Is Anyone Listening? Eight Tips to Help you Market in the Age of New Media
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In the past month or so I've had numerous conversations with authors that I either met at conferences or am coaching asking me why nothing they're doing is working. Have you ever felt like that? If you have, you aren't alone. There seems to be an epidemic of "black hole marketing" going around. What's black hole marketing? Simple. It's when you feel like all your marketing efforts are going down a black hole and vanishing into the ether.
So it seems like just when you got a handle on the old rules of media, the rules keep changing. It's true. The digital age has brought with it a tsunami of information. Let's face it, with so much data, news, and emails coming at us most of us feel like we're trying to drink from a water hose. I've seen a lot of change in the ten (plus) years we've been marketing books but nothing like what's transpired in the last 18 months. The old marketing rule of 7 is now 70 and your 15 minutes of fame has shrunk to 15 seconds. Do you remember the shootings in upstate New York where 14 people were killed? How much time did the media spend on it, do you even remember any of the details? See what I mean? Fifteen seconds. We flit through stories like we zip through email. Delete, delete, delete, archive, and on and on.

Why is this? Well first off, there are so many ways to make news these days. You can be on Twitter and start a rampage on some topic and suddenly Katie Couric is reporting on you on the evening news. You can write something on a blog that gets everyone's attention. So many new ways to drive media mean that the media window is shrinking. All you have to do is run a search on Twitter using #teaparty or #amazonfail and see what I mean. Rapid and furious conversation around both of these topics, all of them generating a buzz in less than an hour of posting.

With all of these increased ways to get our news, it also means that the marketing "Rule of 7" is now around 70. An old marketing adage suggested that it takes 7 exposures to your book, message, or product to hook a new consumer. Now, with all of the things that we consume on a daily basis, the rule is considerably larger. Is it 70 exactly? I don't know. But it's certainly well beyond the seven exposures.

1) Relationships: these days it's all about relationships. Sure, marketing has always been built on relationships but it's more important than ever especially when it comes to bloggers. The blogging community continues to be looked down upon; believe it or not, they are considered by many to be second-rate journalists when in fact, their blogs are sometimes more popular than your local paper.

2) Never Swap Horses Mid-race: when things don't go well it's tempting to switch ideas, tracks, or angles. If you're not sure that you're doing everything right then hire someone (even on an hourly basis) who can come in and offer some objective feedback. If you've done that and you're still not seeing results don't change horses just to get ahead. This will only set you back and put you in a space of starting from scratch, because when you switch horses mid-race, that's exactly what you're doing.

3) Do a lot of the right thing: when we talk about the rule of 70, you know that means you need to do more of what you're already doing. So focus in on 3-4 key areas and saturate those. Get on Twitter, start blogging, do whatever you have to in a concentrated, focused fashion.

4) Pay to play, it's here: more and more TV stations are turning to a paid format, meaning that if you have enough cash, you can get on the air. I'm not kidding. This is a frightening turn of events, but it's reality. When I was in the Phoenix area I found out that many of the shows there are already doing this. Phoenix is considered a Top 10 market so if you're not in a big market it may not have hit you, but likely it will and probably before the end of this year. Why is this important? Because if you're ever asked to spend some dough on a show, you'll know why. Also, that's what makes the Internet so great: it's free. If you're ready to have your own TV show, why not turn to YouTube? You'll get a much farther reach!

5) Real voices: be real or be gone. Save the sales talk and jargon for your ad copy and be real when you're blogging, pitching yourself or on an interview. The world is gravitating to real, genuine voices. You won't impress anyone but mom with your $5 words.

6) Everyone is a journalist: as we saw with the Amazon mess, everyone is a journalist. If you have a blog that you're dedicated to and that's getting traffic and ranking, you could report on something that others pick up and, in some cases, you could end up being on the evening news. The reins of the media have now been dispersed to anyone who has access to Twitter and a blog. Why is this important? Because when you get yourself out there never assume that just because whomever you're pitching or has featured you isn't tied to the Wall Street Journal that they don't bear significant weight in their market. Get to know your community, respect them, pitch to them, and treat them no differently than if you were pitching major media.

7) Sources don't matter: when a story first breaks on a site like Twitter, sources are often misquoted and inaccurate. This is just the nature of instant news, it takes a while to catch up. What's the point? The point is if you can be a source and jump on a story that's being discussed online, you can get coverage.

8) Get your story out there quickly: remember that 15 seconds of fame? It's very true and very much why you need to get out there quickly. In fact with all the news coming at us, I've seen stories dissipate in an afternoon. If you have an angle, don't wait till it's "perfect" - get it out as soon as possible.

9) Don't spread yourself too thin: if you're thinking back to point #3 and going "Wow, I guess I need to get a few more social networking sites," hold that thought. When I talk about doing more I don't mean getting more, I mean doing more with what you already have. Don't fragment yourself. Focus is so key now, especially with so much stuff coming at us at one time. Stay crisp, focused, and on message, and don't just grab onto everything because it feels like you're "doing something."

10) Focus, focus, focus: I mentioned this in point #9 but it bears repeating. Keep your message focused and on point. It's ok to have a lot of angles, but keep them sharp and clear. People (and especially the media) have much less time than they ever did, if you can't capture their attention quickly you'll lose them, possibly forever.

The new media is changing on an almost daily basis. Today's lone blogger could be tomorrow's Huffington Post and tomorrow's local print newspaper could be turned into an online subscription format (as many papers have). It's not harder to get media; in fact, with so many stories and so many ways to get your news, the choices can seem endless. That's why aside from abiding by some of the new rules I've outlined here, you want to have a plan as well. Planning your strategy and then realizing that a few core areas of focus are key to success can help turn a so-so campaign into a wow-'em program.

Reprint permission
Reprinted from "The Book Marketing Expert newsletter," a free ezine offering book promotion and publicity tips and techniques. http://www.amarketingexpert.com

Contact Information
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
email: penny@amarketingexpert.com
web: http://www.amarketingexpert.com
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National Humor Month

http://www.longandshortreviews.com/humormonth.htm

Celebrate "National Humor Month" with LASR/WC and 30 romantic comedy authors!

WC, for those whose minds are boggling, stands for Whipped Cream, the erotic side of the Long and Short of it review site. I know, I wondered about water closet humor for an instant, too!

Every day a different author will be giving away a prize, which might be a download, or a gift token, or chocolates, or a book. This is a structured scavenger hunt, and those who join in must be sure to write "Scavenger Hunt" in the subject line when they write in with their answer to the question of the day.

Here's the roster of Romantic Comedy authors

4/1 Victoria Blisse http://www.victoriablisse.co.uk/

4/2 Christy Tillery French http://www.christytilleryfrench.com/

4/3 Catherine Wade http://www.catherinewade.com/

4/4 Vivi Andrews http://www.viviandrews.com/

4/5 Robin Glasser http://www.myspace.com/robinglasser

4/6 Phyllis Marie Campbell http://www.phyllismariecampbell.com/

4/7 B. H. Dark http://bhdark.blogspot.com/

4/8 Ann Lory http://www.annlory.com/

4/9 Sylvia Shults http://www.sylviashults.com/

4/10 Jami Davenport http://jamidavenport.home.att.net/

4/11 Lena Austin http://www.lenaaustin.com/

4/12 Robin Kaye http://www.robinkayewrites.com/

4/13 Linda Wisdom http://www.myspace.com/lindawisdombooks

4/14 Jennifer Johnson http://booksbyjenniferjohnson.com/default.aspx

4/15 Judi Fennell http://www.judyfennell.com/

4/16 Patrice Wilton http://www.patricewilton.com/

4/17 Michele Hart http://www.iloveshapeshifters.com/

4/18 Jennifer Shirk http://www.jennifershirk.com/

4/19 Charlotte Chalmers http://www.charlottechalmers.com/

4/20 Elizabeth Rose

4/21 Marianne Arkins http://www.mariannearkins.com/

4/22 M. K. Trent http://www.mktrent.com/

4/23 Michelle Moncou http://www.michellemonkou.com/

4/24 Kari Thomas http://www.authorkari.com/

4/25 Bryl Tyne http://bryltyne.com/

4/26 Rowena Cherry http://www.rowenacherry.com/

4/27 Amber Polo http://www.amberpolo.com/

4/28 TBA
4/29 TBA

4/30 Libby Malin http://www.libbysbooks.com/

I will be giving away a box of Godiva chocolates, and I will be asking a question about the Cerne Giant's dimensions. The Cerne Giant features large in my first book FORCED MATE.

Beware.... this excerpt is decorated with a rude photograph.

It's all about the Horny Berries

"What's it about?" the potential Reader asks at a booksigning.

I panic. I know I'm not good at this. More often than not, I say too much, and bore people. On the four hour drive down to Cincinnati for this signing, I've rehearsed over and over, with the loving help of my biggest critic. My thoughts spin like a tickertape parade.

Do I say, "Horny Berries"?

Do I say, "Remember that Harrison Ford movie where he was a hard drinking pilot who crash landed with --I think it was Ann Heche, playing a Vogue editor-- on an uninhabited island, and they had to survive. Only it's different, because in my book, the hero and heroine are politically embarrassing alien royalty, and someone is trying to kill them--"

"Someone tried to kill Harrison Ford," my critic snarled.

"Those were pirates. It's not the same as assassins sent to find them. Anyway, I didn't see that film until after I'd written Insufficient Mating Material."

"Who cares?" My critic shrugs. "What's different?"

"My book has this 'Face Off' element. The hero has had his face changed. He's the same guy that the heroine fancies herself in love with, but he can't tell her, and she doesn't know. Since she thinks she's in love with someone else, it's the worst thing in the world for her... to be marooned with a horny stranger."

My critic grunts.

"Oh, I'm soooo lame!" I wail.

Critic laughs.

"And, they don't have a plane-load of supplies to live off. After they are shot down, their plane sinks..."

"You shouldn't call it a plane if it's science fiction," critic objects.

"Their two-seater spaceship sinks in eight feet..."

"Shouldn't you use alien words for measuring?" he interrupts again.

"How polite is that, when I only have a couple of seconds to get my message across? The couple has to survive with what they are wearing and what they can find, like my book's survival consultant Survivorman..."

"Good! You should talk more about Survivorman."

"I don't want to give the impression that the book is about him. It's futuristic romantic fiction. It's not even quite "Alien Survivorman with Sex." It's true that Les and I both use entertainment to communicate some vital --and accurate-- wilderness survival advice, and Les read my book, and gave me some extra tips, and set me straight on a detail or two that I got wrong... And he gave me the cover quote. Anyway, when I show people my poster, it's the horny berries that they ask about."

Critic snorts. "Are there horny berries in the book?"
(He hasn't read it.)

"No, but..."

"Can you say HORNY in a bookstore?"

"There are horny toads. They're respectable. Horny doesn't just mean 'in the mood to be sexually active' but it does suggest to the reader that this is a book with sexually graphic language. Berries are an important food source, but if they are alien berries, you have to find out if they are edible or poisonous. You start by smearing a little juice on your wrist... anyway, my hero does all that, to the heroine, and at first she thinks he's building up to kinky sex.

"Of course, when she realizes that he's using her as a food-testing guinea pig, she is furious. And very depressed. And, she is a fashionista, a bit like Paris Hilton only crossed with the most scandalous female member of any European royal family you can think of. She doesn't like having to wear a plain white, man's T-shirt. So the hero uses berries' juice to tie-die her T-shirt... while she's wearing it."

Meanwhile, while I try to remember my best pitch, my potential Reader is reading the blurb on the back cover. The keywords there are "shot down", "failing to mate", "guitar glue", "psychic sleuths", "disguises", "a killer", a "damning tattoo" on the hero's "tool of seduction", and there is Survivorman's quote.

There's no mention of Horny Berries. I came up with horny berries when making the Insufficient Mating Material book promotion video. One has about eight frames (excluding frames for titles and credits) to tell a story, and between three and five words per frame. I should probably throw out something new.

But, it's too late. While I've been tongue-tied, my potential reader has moved on. Next time, I'll do the 'Carpe Scrotum' thing.

"It's about horny-berries," I'll say in my best BBC English voice.


Best wishes,
Rowena Cherry

(Speaking!!! and signing Sunday February 11th, 2pm to 4pm at the Barnes and Noble on Telegraph and Maple, in Bloomfield Hills)

Behind the scenes secrets...

Of making the Insufficient Mating Material book video.

Happy Superbowl Sunday, by the way. Have you seen my 50 second advertisement? Not on TV, naturally, but on MySpace and You-Tube and anywhere else that will put it up (including my home-run website... which isn't run by me!)

For the record, Edward Traxler --Myra Nour's brother-- did my video. However, I put in a lot more time and did a lot more work than I expected, so I really hope that it is as effective as a marketing tool as everyone who has them, seems to think.

I don't know. Seeing a cover cut up and moved around on a screen has never sent me to a bookstore with the speed and purpose of a heat-seeking missile.

When we started, I thought I knew what I wanted. For about $75 (not my end cost!) I wanted a Me-Too product, just to hedge my bets in case Susan Kearney, Linnea Sinclair, Mel Schroeder, Myra Nour, Ruth Kerce, Mandy Roth and Michelle Pillow (I watch Mandy and Michelle, because they must be the most savvy self-promoters I've ever seen, and I mean that in the nicest possible way) are right.

Music: I wanted the Pilgrim's Chorus from Wagner's Tannhauser. I'd once seen a feeble --but choral-- version on a Royalty Free site. Failing that, yeah, Billy Idol's White Wedding or Jethro Tull's Locomotive Breath would do nicely, but that idea was quickly squashed. One cannot buy Royalty Free 30 second clips of Rock Star's music. Alas!

And, to get anything except the orchestral Overture from Tannhauser, the sites I visited required Membership and a commitment to buy more than 30 seconds of good stuff.

Ed gave me links to six sites that sell legal-to-use music, and told me to find what I wanted. Imagine... well, I am picky and I have expensive tastes. If I couldn't have someone famous, I wanted a lot of people, so I hunted for a good, bombastic choir. I'd hoped for massed, warrior-like men in extasy, but settled for kick-butt females going Aaaaaaaahhhhh.

I'd seen Lightboxes in an earlier reconnoitre, but hadn't figured out how to use the site. I learned. I thought I wanted beach and sea and an aurora borealis to play up the cover art, which I assumed we'd be cutting up.

Unfortunately, my From-Here-To-Eternity cover models are in an isoceles triangle configuration, so there was no way to make them roll over (and over again) in the surf.


Using the index and search functions, I wasted a lot of time looking at seascapes, hoping to find ejaculating clams.... or something that could suggest that.

Also, I went through a lot of little campfires (most had unsuitable men in
baseball caps silhouetted against the flames). My romantic aliens do not wear baseball caps or Chicago Bears helmets. Eventually, I decided that it was witty, funny, and appropriate to show a really big fire. If you've read Insufficient Mating Material, you'll understand why.

Then Ed sent me to a NASA site, and I spent a day or two looking at
starfields and comets and planets.

Next, he sent me to the airforce to check out jetfighters, and then to....look at fonts and colors.

And meanwhile I was trawling MySpace trying to find a cheap, naked man.

I found one enjoying a shower (which would have been really good, given one of the archetypically dirty tricks Tarrant-Arragon plays on his sister) but .... it wasn't to be.

Thank Evan I remembered what a good sport Evan Scott is! He said I could use one of his photographs. Oh, but the trouble we had removing Evan's hair, and putting a piratical headsquare on his head. The early efforts looked like a hard, orange hat. No one wears a construction site helmet and nothing else in the sea.

There was another shot we considered... Evan was waist deep in the sea, proudly holding up a manly bathing-costume. We turned the swim suit into a big fish, as if he'd just tickled a sea-going trout and caught it.

However, the fish was a distraction, and would take too many words to explain, even if there IS a school of thought that says you can use fish skin as a condom. SURVIVORMAN (who was my survival techniques consultant for the book) opines that you can't, but that rabbit guts are an option.

Back to Evan's inconvenient hair. You can imagine me googling Pirates of the Caribbean for good-looking headwear. Unfortunately, most of that looked good because of the explosion of dreadlocks and beaded beard underneath the scarf.

And, Djetth should have had a goatee, but Ed draws goatees like a subway grafitti artist putting facial hair on the Mona Lisa (it must be his only weakness), so I googled Men In Goatees. (That was an interesting search!) I also found Max Von Sydow's Ming from Flash Gordon, and Andre Agussi and Brad Pit and chin curtains. Chin Curtains!!

In the end, I decided that Djetth did not need a goatee for the purposes of this trailer.

Then, finally, the video is done, and Ed puts up a really good resolution, and I discover that the hero in the sea has what looks like monster love bites around his visible nipple.

No one seems to mind, though.

Best wishes,

Rowena Cherry
"Insufficient Mating Material is a strong, intelligently written book..."
~Marcy Arbitman, JERR

PS. Don't forget to check out the covers of INSUFFICIENT MATING MATERIAL. Find the Hidden Image, enter the contest (at www.rowenacherry.com/hiddenimage/) and you might win a bookstore shopping spree.

Thusness (and the importance of a jolly good ending)

I don't see "Thusness" being talked about very much. One of my English professors at Homerton College, Cambridge, taught me the expression and the concept, and I've never forgotten it.

At the time, I believe we were studying Alfred, Lord Tennyson's Idylls of the King. Epic poetry. Medieval Fantasy SpecRom opera with never-ending quests for the Holy Grail, swords, sorcery, treachery, maidens being surprised in their bathtubs by horny rotters. Inspiring stuff, really! That's what I remember. But it could have been Browning, or Coleridge.

Maybe someone will want to tell me that the Arthurian legends aren't SpecRom. I might answer that it all depends who is retelling them, and how.

The bottom line with "Thusness" --as I internalized it-- is that all the interwoven story threads are tied up so neatly by the end of the story that the reader is left with a feeling of great satisfaction and justice. Not only is everything explained (that needs to be explained), but there is harmony, balance, and maybe that forehead-slap of enlightenment.

"Thusness" makes a story memorable and thought-provoking (in a pleasurable way) after the last word has been read, and the book has been put away... or returned to the library. The ending is "right" and has a quality of inevitability. Of course, in a romance, it is generally accepted that, inevitably, the hero and the heroine will live happily ever after together.

That's not quite what I mean by "inevitability."

Perhaps "thusness" is like the old definition of obscenity. "...I know it when I see it."

If that is the case, how does a writer achieve "Thusness"? Some of us are plotters, outliners, linear writers. Others are pantsers, channellers. Some do both. Some put a book together like a jigsaw (I do). Some plan it like dinner... you know, it has a beginning (starter), a middle (main course), and an ending (the pudding).

"Pudding" might not be entirely felicitous. Some end with a Bombe Surprise, or cheesecake, others with a swiggable yoghurt or quick coffee. It's all good, but probably it's most satisfying if it is a balanced meal.

I try for thusness. If I have three prologues (of course, they cannot be called that), I need three epilogues. This might mean that a lot has to be cut from the middle to meet the publisher's page limit (about 400 double spaced pages at 250 wpp).

Once the ending is written --and not all authors know the details of how their heroes' stories will end when they begin-- well, then you have the linear warp, but not the weft (weaving imagery). Then, knowing how your story ends, you go back to the beginning and weave in the almost-invisible details at regular intervals.

Perhaps your editor wants the villain to be badder. (Given that badder is good English). For "Thusness" as I see it, it isn't enough to put super bad thoughts into his point of view one scene before he gets his come-uppance, though that would be the quickest and easy edit... and on a deadline, quick and easy is very tempting! In my opinion, the first time the reader sees this villain he has to be doing something bad, although it could be stealth wickedness. We may not recognize his evil for what it is, after all, he hasn't been caught.

And so it goes. A hint is woven in, and it has to be repeated, not necessarily every seventy pages, but that's a reasonable rough guide. The Imperial March was a pretty cool tune. They say the devil gets all the best tunes. It took a while before we realized that it meant that the bad guy was up to no good. Same with the Jaws horn riff. (If horns can riff).

Because Jolly Good Endings and striving for "Thusness" is important to me, I was thrilled with a recent review by "Bookmaedin" posted at http://www.ibookdb.net/review/58607

Excerpt
"This book also has one of the best ending sequences. Everyone in the story pulls together against a common enemy. Ms. Cherry has created a seriously evil villain. What goes around comes around, and it definitely came back on this villainous specimen.

Trust me, INSUFFICIENT MATING MATERIAL is a book you don’t want to miss. Be sure to check out the back-story in Rowena Cherry’s previous book, Forced Mate.

~Review by bookmaedin for iBookDB Review: Insufficient Mating Material"

INSUFFICIENT MATING MATERIAL will be in bookstores on January 30th.